Let’s talk about funeral wishes

Did you know that last year, just 1% of people arranging a funeral on behalf of someone else knew the full extent of their loved one’s wishes?¹ Inevitably, the events of 2020 have made many of us more aware of our own mortality, but this statistic shows that there is still more to be done in terms of opening up the conversation around death and dying.

It’s understandable that most of us would prefer to avoid this subject – no one wants to acknowledge the thought that they, or someone they love, will one day no longer be here. But it’s important to have these conversations to ensure end of life wishes are known and respected. So with that being said, here are some helpful tips for starting the discussion.

If possible, avoid raising the subject unexpectedly. It won’t be easy to talk when stressed or in a rush, so experts recommend setting aside some time to discuss end of life wishes. Being in a relaxed and informal setting will allow for a more open discussion, so be sure to pick somewhere that’s comfortable for both of you.

Ease yourself into the conversation by asking loved ones about their own plans for the future. Discussing retirement plans or a funeral you’ve recently attended could provide a good opportunity, for example.

If you’re feeling anxious, try running through the conversation with a friend first. You could also make a list of the main topics you want to cover, which may include: 

• Whether you would prefer a burial, standard cremation or direct cremation with no service. 
• Whether you would like a religious or non-religious funeral. 
• Whether or not you would like to have a wake. 
• Any songs, hymns, poems or readings that have a special meaning to you. 
• Who you would like to read your eulogy, and any stories or life events it should include. 
• Where you would like your funeral to take place. 
• Where you would like to have your ashes scattered, or be buried.

Don’t feel pressured to get through everything in one conversation – you may prefer or find it easier to break this down into a few smaller sessions.

Experts recommend opening with a question, rather than a statement, such as ‘Have you ever thought about…?’ Let your loved ones ask questions too, and if they seem reluctant to participate in the conversation, remind them that planning your own funeral now will make things easier for them down the line.

Don’t feel that you should always be the one to steer the conversation. This is a good opportunity for you both to express your plans, fears and hopes surrounding death and what happens after.

It’s not always easy to talk about dying and funerals, so try to end the conversation on a positive note. This could be by talking about the things you’re looking forward to in the future, and any bucket list plans you may have.

Most funeral directors offer a ‘funeral wishes’ service, whereby you can securely record your requests with your chosen firm. This is different to a pre-paid funeral plan, which also allows you to make financial provision for the cost of your chosen services.

Taking out a pre-paid funeral plan is one of the best ways to make your wishes known and ensure your funeral is carried out as you would wish. For more information, please speak to your local funeral director.

Terms and conditions apply to funeral plans - please ask for details.

1. SunLife (2021), Cost of Dying Report, sunlife.co.uk/costofdying2021