Some practical suggestions if your friend or relative has recently been bereaved

1. Make a special effort to keep in contact after the funeral

It may be tempting to keep away, especially as you probably do not know what to say, but visits and telephone calls are essential.

2. Be a good listener

Try not to steer the conversation yourself but let the bereaved person talk about what they want. Allow, even encourage, him or her to talk about the person who has died and listen attentively. This may be difficult for both of you but it will help your friend to come to terms with the death. Do not mind if your friend cries, or even if you cry yourself - it's perfectly natural.

3. Do not make assumptions about how your friend will feel

All bereavements are different. Do not assume that your friend will feel the same as you did when you were bereaved, and do not say "I know how you feel". Encourage your friend to express his or her feelings, whatever they are, and try to accept that they are valid. For example a bereaved person might feel worried, angry, guilty or even relieved. Try to understand your friend's feelings and do not say that they are wrong.

4. Remember the importance of touch

Bereaved people often feel isolated and it may help to put your arm around them, touch their shoulder or elbow, or hold hands or shake hands. Clearly you need to use your discretion but touch can be a very effective way of affirming friendship.

5. Offer practical help

If you can see that your friend needs help then offer to help or suggest where help can be got - do not wait to be asked and suggest a specific job or jobs. However be prepared to accept that your offer of help may be declined - you can always offer to help in some other way or at another time. Be careful not to take over - your friend should stay in control at all times.

6. Refer to the professionals if necessary

If you notice a serious problem which seems to be persisting longer than it should, eg over use of alcohol or drugs, serious self neglect, malnutrition, total inertia or violent mood swings, you could express your worries to your friends' doctor or, if they belong to a religious group, their minister, priest etc. They will listen, and this may be very helpful, but remember that they have a duty of confidentiality to your friend.

7. Allow plenty of time

Grieving is a process which changes over the weeks, months and years, but your support will still be valuable. Anniversaries such as birthdays, wedding anniversaries and the anniversary of the death may be particularly difficult for the bereaved person - it will help if you are aware of them.


Organisations who might help

How to stop "direct mail" being sent to someone after they have died

If direct mail (or "junk mail") continues to arrive for someone who has died, it can be distressing for their relatives or friends.   The Bereavement Register helps to stop this happening.  For further information click on the name above or telephone 01732 460000.